Now I think of grandma’s special amiable, lovely and respectable! At that time, she was young and ignorant. What grandma gave was a loving heart.. Although I know now, my grandmother is no longer there, not for many years!     Looking for vague memories, grandmother’s outline became clearer and more cordial.. Grandmother is a strong and capable woman. In the dark old society, grandmother and grandfather came together through matchmaking, and their parents’ lives came together. At that time, the old marriage was well-matched and grandmother and grandfather were both poor and clanking people, so they managed to get together by mistake and contributed to their happy life.. Grandmother kept the old idea of marrying a chicken with a chicken and a dog with a dog, silently paying. Adhering to the principle of ” three from four virtues” and respecting each other, he cited Qi Mei as an example and became a good wife and mother..     Grandmother gave birth to six children, three men and three women. In the old society where food and clothing were scarce, grandmothers and grandfathers faced the challenge of raising their children, but they were diligent and shouldered this heavy responsibility with hard-working hands.. Although not full to eat and warm to wear, at least every meal has gruel, pickled vegetables and patched old clothes to warm up the body.. In this way, poor children are brought up without much material enjoyment, with only one mouthful of coarse tea and light rice.     Grandmother has passed through the erosion and decay of the old society and ushered in the radiant new China. The whole people yearned for a better life in the new society.! However, new China has just been established, poor and destitute, and has experienced three years of famine. Where else can there be stuttering?. This is not to add insult to injury to an already poor family. A large family should start eating. Unlike in the old days, grandparents could carve up barren hills, grow crops on barren land, dig up limited food and go home to live on.. Now the land is collective, without its own land to dig, there will naturally be less food, only the collective distribution of poor food. Thanks to grandmother’s careful calculation, she calculated that a little food for saving her life was mixed with edible wild vegetables, leaves, bark, soup, water, chaff, radish, and stuffed their parents’ bellies without any disorder to nurture them to grow up.     Grandmother raised six children in a poor family with only plain boiled water in the years when she did not have a meal, how difficult and difficult it was! However, with her strength and her grandfather, grandmother forced her parents to raise a sky so that they could grow up healthily and start a family and career.. I think my grandmother has fulfilled her duties as a mother and completed her duties. She should spend her old age well.. However, my grandmother still has a heart that can’t be broken, that is, she will take our grandchildren and grandchildren, especially me, to break her heart..     Perhaps I was born with intermittent cries and fatigue. There is no loud and loud crying, the joy of the birth of the sound crying; But quietly, afraid to disturb the world, silent came to this world. Seems to be a sign of my ill – fated fate.     Such omens also seem to be very spiritual, just like divination. When I didn’t know how old I was, my mother died. At that time, I didn’t understand the fear of death at all, and couldn’t understand’ death’ as a matter of fact. I don’t know what I want to live, but death is sad and terrible. It’s like nothing. However, the poor mother died like that, and the poor I still don’t know if the mother really died.! Even on the day of her mother’s funeral, she witnessed her sister crying loudly and crying loudly, without realizing that her mother had left in this way.. And think that mother is very tired and tired, only sleep in the coffin will wake up. But when my mother was carried up the mountain, she never came back. At this moment, I really felt fear, felt that my mother was really dead and began to cry and grieve.. Young I thought that as long as I read my mother and cried out for her, she would live. Can let me cry, also see the shadow of my mother, only grandmother with a full face of love my tears, gently flapping my young thin back with her hand, pour out comfort don’t cry, mother died, cry also can’t live mother.     Since then, I have lived alone with my grandmother and used to living without a mother. Grandma loved me like a mother, took care of me and raised me. My grandmother is my mother in my heart. I just call her different. Others call her mother and I call her grandmother..     At that time, the grandmother was like a kindergarten gardener, bringing her grandchildren and grandchildren ( at least a dozen ). Granny is very happy to take us with her. Blessed are the grandchildren who can take so many grandchildren and grandchildren with them. Blessed are all the children and grandchildren.. Therefore, my grandmother took us with all her heart and care and hoped that we would grow up happily and without worries.. For this reason, my grandmother didn’t want any work in the company. She ate only basic rations like us.. Grandmother doesn’t have to work, but she is actually more tired than working in the team. We have a total of more than ten children, large and small, some naughty, some unstable, some crying in the laundry basket, often making the grandmother’s house noisy.. Sometimes grandmother gets tired of noisy, she will punish us in her unique way. Remember those thin bamboo slips inserted under the eaves. if anyone disobeys, grandmother will move her ” family law” and take down the bamboo slips to smoke a few times, and we will become rules.. Thin bamboo stripes are smoked on the delicate skin, leaving rows of crimson marks, painful and low-paying jobs..Although the pain is hard to handle, anyone who gets hit will not dare to cry, but only dare to whine and endure tears swirling in his eyes..     Now want to also concerned, chilling, feeling the majesty of grandmother’s love. In fact, grandmother was helpless. She was not willing to beat us, but we were too disobedient to beat us.. Even so, I still feel that my grandmother always favors me and will always tolerate me no matter what I do wrong. The reason may be that I did not have a mother since I was a child and lacked a mother’s love. My grandmother would like to use her unselfish love to fill my mother’s love..     I remember my grandmother always went to her aunt several times a year, and every time she took me, my sisters had no share.. Grandmother likes to go to the youngest aunt’s house most. Maybe the little aunt’s house is relatively comfortable. Actually, there is a cinema next to the little aunt’s house.. At that time, watching movies was relatively trendy. Most people could only hear and not watch movies.. So it’s glorious to see a movie. Besides, grandmother was naturally fond of the theatre and naturally favored the fashionable movie at that time..     I remember very clearly that in my little aunt’s home, she bought a hot ticket for her grandmother to attend Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai Regulations.. Grandmother was too happy to close her mouth. When the film was about to start broadcasting, my grandmother took me to the cinema, checked the tickets, went into the cinema, found her own number, sat down and waited for the film to show.. At this time, the cinema was crowded with people looking for their seats, making a noise like boiling water shouting’ snow ~ snow’.     At last, the eagerly awaited movie was shown, and the noise and noise came to an abrupt end. It was as fast as switching off the power and was silent.. The black screen in the cinema can only vaguely see the white screen in front of it. At this moment, a strong light came from the projection room, like turning on the switch with a flashlight in the dark night, suddenly squeezing into the white light in the black to see the way forward.. The light from the screening room shone on the white screen and came out of the ancient people from the inside. Their clothes are similar to those I saw in the social drama, and they seem to be different, but they are not clear.. I wonder if the people on the screen are real people and I don’t know how they came into the screen.? So he asked his grandmother how those people got in. Grandmother’s eyes were fixed on the screen, listening attentively to the chirping of chirp, suddenly hearing my question, and she could not answer the question, disrupting her interest in watching movies.. See her bold stare at me and say: Don’t interrupt, watch the play. So, I also dare not ask more, only whisper in my heart.     Say a word in my heart, I don’t understand how the movie looks. I only wonder how the people on the screen get in.. It took many years for me to understand that it was carefully planned by the director, the actors were fully involved, recorded with film and made into a film.. Of course, I also understand why my grandmother stared at the screen without blinking her eyes. It turned out to be the most classical fairy love story, and also had babbling lyrics, so my grandmother was more immersed in the story.. Seeing the wonderful place, I couldn’t help but weep and shed tears for the hero and heroine in the story..     Although I didn’t know the movie at the time, I now think about it, it’s not just as simple as watching a movie.. There, she poured her grandmother’s infinite love, and she took me wherever she went, walking door to door, looking for relatives and friends, all with her old hand pulling my delicate little hand and flowing grandmother’s unselfish maternal love.!     When I grew up under the luster of my grandmother, I went to school happily with my friends on my back.. It’s a pity that my loving grandmother fell ill with a big tumor on her neck. At that time, medicine was not well developed and there was nothing to do with such a disease. I told my father, uncle and aunt that my grandmother had lymph cancer and she didn’t need treatment. I took the old man home and served her well. She didn’t have much time. If she could eat, she would have to eat more for her, and every day counts as a day.. Father, uncle and aunt are like a bolt from the blue. How is it possible. Grandmother’s health has always been very good. She never needs to take medicine or injections. She has no headache or brain heat, but now she has a lump of meat on her neck, which is a terminal illness and has no cure.. In any case, they cannot believe that the red-faced mother is a terminally ill patient and can only live for half a year at most.! They were totally dumbfounded and distracted, and finally had to do nothing but believe it, but they did not dare to tell their grandmother the result, but only lied to her that she was not ill and had a long’ longevity lump’ around her neck.. Grandmother danced with joy like a child, grinning and saying, ” I said it’s okay, but you don’t believe it. I’m going to be taken to the hospital for examination. It’s okay now. Go back and go back.”. Fathers, uncles and aunts, pretending to be smiling faces, followed their grandmother home.     Since grandmother came back from the hospital, her condition has worsened day by day, either with a high fever or chills. Village doctors come almost once a day, either injection or intravenous drip. These drugs can only delay grandmother’s pain. grandmother’s condition is getting worse day by day and the tumor around her neck is getting bigger day by day. later, a small one will grow next to her and the cancer cells will spread.. At this time, my grandmother was already bedridden, not as good as before, and she was as thin as skin and bone.. I can hardly recognize my grandmother. Where is my healthy and loving grandmother? I curse you for this disease! Why do you have to attach your damn illness to my grandmother? Why do you torture my grandmother with pain? Why do you suck my grandmother’s blood and meat like a vampire? Why use cancer to end my grandmother’s life?     Later, grandmother hated the darkness of the sleeping room and wanted to lie in the bright kitchen. This is a very dangerous signal that grandma is not far from death. Fathers, uncles and aunts kept watch all day, fearing that grandmother would close her eyes and go away.    In my mind is rooted a picture of grief, which always makes me sad and remember my grandmother’s sorrow on the last day of her life.! Next to the door of the kitchen, two high stools set up a door panel, and grandmother lay on the door panel, her eyebrows tight cu, holding a cattail leaf fan in her hand and shaking the fan without interruption.. Sometimes grandmother frowned bitterly and slapped the fan in her hand hard on her chest. At this moment, aunts will gently touch grandmother’s chest with their hands and say to grandmother, ” Niang, don’t worry, you’ll be fine if you endure.”. The grandmother groaned and said intermittently, ” I – difficult – suffering, miserable … I hope to get better every day, but every day is still the same.”. Aunt had to endure grief and comfort: ” Niang, don’t worry, you can’t get sick in a day or two.”. Grandmother ouch ouch groan calls, how sad and sad it is. The illness was cruel and inhuman, torturing grandmother. Grandmother curled up, suddenly asked her aunt to help her turn over and turn over again. Grandmother suffered from pain, affliction, sadness and unbearable pain.. Grandmother’s children all have tears in their eyes and a heavy heart, preferring to suffer for grandmother’s illness!     Waiting by my grandmother’s side, I clearly heard her breathing sound like the bellows of a cauldron.. Perhaps one mouthful phlegm will suffocate grandmother and take her life. The room was full of sorrow of death. Grandmother seemed to be really dead and was leaving us soon.. Now my grandmother is completely unconscious, only the sound of the throat’ snow – snow’ proves that my grandmother is still alive. Her sons and daughters ( including us ) all stood by and died in mourning for her old man.. But in the middle of the night, the frightened ” snow” voice still kept grandmother’s weak life. We must investigate that the children squinted wearily and were finally told by our father to go home and sleep..     May be in the early morning, grandmother reluctantly closed her eyes in the sadness of illness and trouble. When my grandmother was about to stop breathing, my father came back and asked our sister and brother to send her to her death. But no matter how my father shouted, I slept like a dead man. My father was thinking about my grandmother and had to leave helplessly.. When I got up in the morning and learned that my grandmother had left, I was dazed and sad, but my grandmother went! I was missing my unfilial grandson when her old man left, thinking how much she loved me when she was alive.. Without my grandmother, it is possible that I would not exist. My grandmother took care of me carefully, but when she left, I failed to give her the old man’s death.. How unfilial I am! Such regret can only become eternal guilt, deeply condemning my conscience! Resentment for having so much sleep, all the sisters gathered to see their grandmother’s last face. But I lay in a bloody sleep and missed my last meeting with my grandmother!     Grandmother didn’t know what her illness was until the end. She always thought that what she had was a’ longevity lump’ around her neck.. She didn’t understand how she was in good health and was only in her sixties. How could she be terminally ill? At any time she did not think of a terminal illness and always thought it would be fine. Yes, my grandmother was too difficult. In such an era, my grandmother suffered terribly and raised six children.. Now it’s time for her to enjoy her happiness. How can she be willing to die? So my grandmother has always had a good wish to live to be seven or eighty years old and enjoy her happiness!     The imperfection of life means that you can’t live when you want to live, and you can’t die when you want to die.. Every time I think of this place, I feel that life and death are both desirable and tragic.. But I also thought that grandmother’s life was bitter rather than happy, sad rather than happy, tears rather than laughter.. Therefore, from life to death, in my opinion, it is only the existence of entities, separated from the world of phenomena, can we still distinguish between suffering and happiness? The soul that suffers from grinding and folding only grieves when it finally breathes away from its orifices.! I cannot easily conclude that there is sunshine and human warmth in the Blissful World, nor can I imagine the extinction of pain. But there is a difference between life and death. No matter how you look at it, life is a great event and death is also a great event.. When a baby comes out of its mother, it exists with the world. This existence cannot be buried with its body after it has gone. This life and death, no matter how short the distance between them is, no matter how narrow the world is when it was born – this death life is an immutable rule. We can only follow this rule.. As my grandmother wanted to live but couldn’t!     When I came back from school, my grandmother lay quietly in the coffin, and several aunts cried loudly in tears and tears.. I couldn’t help being infected with this kind of grief. Tears gushed out like spring water. I don’t understand why such grief? Sad, nose tears gushed out crying together. Maybe it’s crying about grandmother’s departure, maybe it’s repenting of her guilt. In short, she’s confused, teary-eyed and crying deeply. I don’t know if the grandmother lying in the coffin can hear me.? The grandchild is repenting to your old man’s house and asking for your forgiveness. Perhaps only in this way can he obtain peace of mind.     On the day of the funeral, the firecrackers I heard were crying with sobs, and the chief steward of the funeral cried out loud wails of ” Shang Biao, Bao Qiang, Ming Hao, Xian Xiang, Xian Zhu, Xian San Xiang” and reading the sacrificial rites. The sound of tears covered the heavens and the earth with a gloomy sadness, and the sky was dancing with ghost money and growing sadness.. We beat Dai Xiao’s white cloth and danced in the sky, leading grandmother’s soul forward step by step. Aunt: Some were patting the coffin lid, some were rolling on the ground, some were beating their chests and feet, tearing their hearts, pulling their livers, wailing like tearing their lungs, and crying loudly to my grandmother.. I couldn’t help crying like my aunts. I knelt down in three steps and worshipped in seven steps to give my grandmother a final ride.!    Today, I spread a plain paper and wrote down my grandmother’s dribs and drabs. Tears gurgled out, drenched the paper and hurt my heart.. May my grandmother be happy, peaceful and happy in heaven!     Write on October 22, 2013